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girls didn’t see each other’s breasts unless they had sisters around the
same age; and I didn’t.
“The visual images enchange our fantasies and give us something
to talk about, though neither of us wants to act out what we call our
‘dirty-mind movies.’ I have discovered that, if I’m not in the mood
for sex, I can put an X-rated tape in the bedroom VCR during foreplay
and get warmed up. After a few minutes, I don’t need to see the screen.
I’m running my own film.”
These couples use fantasy to enhance their sex lives - without
“sharing” or “acting out.” If you don’t want to have the full-blown
fantasy discussion, use your sexy scenarios in your own way to gen-
erate excitement. Keeping a fantasy private is not the same thing as
withholding information a partner may be entitled to have.
But what if you want to encourage a reluctant partner to participate
in your fantasy life in some way?
SEVEN STEPS FOR CONNECTING FANTASY TO
REALITY
One of the common themes running through the sex questions
people ask is: How can I get him/her to do what I want? The young
may stumble over the issues surrounding this central question more
than the rest of us, but everyone does occasionally find their sex life
reduced to the question. If the desire is perceived to be outside the
bounds of “normal,” the question takes on greater power. It becomes
harder to ask.
1. Be clear about what you want. Do you want to “share”
fantasies - in other words play, “I’ll tell you mine, if you tell me
yours?” Do you want your partner merely to listen or to give
feedback? Or, do you want to act out - or at least talk out during
lovemaking - your fantasies?
2. Differentiate between the elements of fantasy that could be
made real and those that should probably not be. If your
fantasies run toward heavy S/M, for example, it’s unlikely that
you really want to act them out. You may want to talk through
them during lovemaking or adapt them in softer ways to real
sexplay. Make the difference clear to your partner or you may
risk scaring or offending him or her.
107
3. First, introduce your desire as a subject rather than a request.
Maybe you haven’t ever discussed bondage, spanking, making
love in the pool, or whatever with your partner. Bring up the
subject. Gauge the reaction. Move carefully from there.
4. Anticipate the difficulties. Your partner may feel jealous,
threatened, repulsed, or amused by your innermost erotic
thoughts. Be prepared for that. Don’t overreact. In other areas
of life, we can stand to hear, “What a silly idea!” or “I’m not
interested in that at all!” When sexuality is on the line, many
people get defensive.
5. Remember that telling doesn’t necessarily lead to action. Your
partner will probably need to mull over your erotic thoughts
before making a decision about participating actively in them.
It may seem as if you’ve waited a long time for this great fantasy
moment, but you have to remember: It’s news to your partner.
And news takes time to digest.
6. Be receptive to change. After studying your fantasies, your
partner may want to edit them. Be open to the possibilities sug-
gested. Compromise is part of lovemaking as well as of life.
7. Remember what fantasies are - and aren’t. Look upon them
as an arousal tool in your erotic kit. Maybe they don’t, and
never will, work for your partner. They have to work only for
you. Don’t read too much meaning either into having fantasies
- or having them rejected.
OVERCOMING A NEGATIVE FANTASY EXPERIENCE
Remember Robert, whose wife refused to have sex with him for
three weeks after he shared his fantasy about having sex with her
sister and her best friend? Here’s my prescription for avoiding that
outcome:
1. Prevention. Sometimes a shared fantasy simply fails to excite
the other or causes unintentional hurt. In some cases, however,
lovers share fantasies with malice aforethought. They flaunt
their fantasies to wound their lovers or at the least to get a reac-
tion. Bad idea. You might receive momentary satisfaction, but
JOEL D. BLOCK, PH.D. WITH SUSAN CRAIN BAKOShe re-
.
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