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“We can’t talk about sex in bed,” says Grace. “It’s too threatening.
We need to be fully dressed. We take walks together at least once a
week; and for us, that is the right time to talk about sex. Last week
my husband told me he wanted me to take his whole penis in my
mouth sometime when I performed fellatio. I’m willing to try this. I
might have felt intimidated if he’d sprung it on me while we were
making love because I need to think a little about things before I do
them.”
3. Establish a trust position. Experiment with ways of holding each
other to find the position where both feel closely and warmly connec-
ted, yet not pressured to perform or respond sexually. In the trust
position, a man and woman become each other’s calm harbor from
anxiety, depression, sadness, or the frustration that follows a sexual
disappointment. Some couples lie side by side, facing each other with
their bodies touching from foreheads to toes. Other possibilities:
“spoon” fashion, where one partner lies with chest against the other’s
back; the man lying on his back with the woman’s head on his
shoulder; one partner lying down, perhaps on a sofa or leaning against
the pillows in bed, with the other’s head in his or her lap. While the
trust position will make verbal sharing easier, talking isn’t always
necessary.
“When my husband and I were having some sexual difficulties last
year,” says Gail, “we got into the habit of holding each other in our
favorite afterplay position, with his chest against my back, and his
arms around me, even when we had no ‘after.’ We didn’t talk about
the sex and why it wasn’t working. Sometimes we didn’t talk at all;
and other times we talked about our feelings and our memories. We
got a lot closer to each other than we had been in a long time.”
4. Schedule an emotional conference. Make a 15-minute date for
an emotional conference at the same time each week. The agenda is
feelings. Each partner spends five minutes talking about how the
other’s actions have affected him/her emotionally. The actions may
have occurred at any time during the relationship, all the way back
to the first date. The speaker should begin by briefly describing the
incident. After one speaks, the other summarizes what was said and
tries to empathize. The few simple rules are:
.
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