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Think of erotic surrender as the act of letting go while aroused, not
ceding control to one’s partner.
Most people enjoy the feeling of being in control of their lives,
even though much of what happens to them is clearly beyond their
control. Successful people are admired not only for the money they
earn and their accomplishments but also for the amount of control
they exert over their environment and the others inside it. People
who practice self-discipline are also admired. In lovemaking, the man
who can “control” his erection and ejaculation and the woman who
can “control” her partner’s arousal and her own responses are ideal-
ized. Where does surrender fit into this picture?
Surrender is an integral part of true intimacy. Letting go into full
arousal is intrinsic to the higher level of sexual pleasure possible for
couples after age 50. It is an art, but one you can learn through
practicing the following exercises, which I prescribe for my own pa-
tients:
1. Turn yourself over to your partner. Offer to be your partner’s
sexual slave for a night. She/he can create a sexual script within
reason. You may discover a new dimension to your sexuality
this way.
2. Write a short essay on “Why I don’t let go sexually.” State all
your reasons. Then describe how your life might change if you
surrendered to your sexuality. Elaborate. Don’t merely say, for
example, “I would be embarrassed.” How would the embarrass-
ment feel? How would you and your partner handle it? Put your
essay aside for a few days. Read it again and write a rebuttal.
3. Play a role opposite to the one you typically play in bed for
one week. If you are the passive partner, become the active one.
Initiate lovemaking. Be bold and assertive in getting your needs
met. If you are the active partner, be passive in all aspects of
lovemaking. Don’t be afraid of the new feelings these changes
will generate. Give in to them.
.
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