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• Absolutely no interruptions.
• The listener summarizes the major points, without editing,
analyzing, interpreting, or judging.
• Each should have a separate agenda. The second speaker
doesn’t get to rebut what the first person said. Otherwise the
conference degenerates into one asking, “How could you see it
that way?” and the other countering, “Why don’t you see it the
way I do?”
What is the point of the emotional conference? It’s hoped that both
partners will consider how their actions affect each other and learn
to listen attentively. This exercise is also a weekly reminder that no
two people, even the long and happily married, view incidents and
actions in exactly the same way.
Andy, 53, and Ruth, 50, patients of mine in couple counseling, had
been in a relationship for five years when they began having weekly
emotional conferences. In the early weeks, they continually interrupted
each other, challenged each other’s “inaccuracies,” and began “inno-
cent” discussions afterward that erupted into arguments. After five
months, Andy was able to tell Ruth that he was avoiding intercourse,
which she strongly favored over other forms of lovemaking, because
he was afraid of not getting or maintaining a hard erection. That led
him to admit he feared erectile failure would diminish him in her eyes
because he’d secretly struggled with inferiority feelings all his life. In
summarizing his statements, Ruth neither offered comfort nor defended
her enjoyment of intercourse. She would say, for example, “I hear
you say that you are avoiding intercourse because you fear failure.”
No editorializing.
“That conference didn’t have an immediate dramatic effect on our
sex life,” Andy says, “but it did bring us closer. She’d never seen me
as someone who felt inferior or insecure.”
MASTER THE ART OF SURRENDER
Surrender is the opposite of control. In the context of erotic a
“surrender” is often the word used when the heroine allows herself
to be swept away by the hero’s passion. That’s a very narrow view of
erotic surrender. It limits the woman and leaves out the man entirely.
.
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