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MARRIAGE
Catherine and Ben are an enviable couple. In their early fifties,
both are attractive, physically fit, and successful in their respective
careers, advertising and computer sales, the parents of a handsome
teenage son who has caused minimal family strife, and the adult
children of four parents in good health into their seventies and
eighties. Not caught as are many of their contemporaries in classic
midlife stressful situations, they look like a couple who probably enjoy
a good sex life.
“We haven’t had sex in over a year,” Catherine says. “People we
know would be shocked by that. Our friends think we’re a ‘sexy’
couple. My women friends envy me because Ben always treats me
with such courtesy, tenderness, and chivalry in public. We have
genuine feelings for each other. There are no big issues, no looming
problems between us. I would like to make love more often. Ben puts
so much of his energy into sales that he’s depleted by the time he
gets to bed.”
Does Catherine really believe that two healthy, fit, attractive, and
sexy people who have “genuine feelings” for each other haven’t had
sex in a year because his energy is depleted by his work?
When pressed, Ben admits there are “a few issues, one being Cath-
erine’s shopping habits. If I am feeling aroused at night, all I have to
do is look around the master suite or, God forbid, open one of the
doors to her two walk-in closets to lose my erection. We’ll never be
able to retire, but maybe we’ll open a clothing museum.”
When couples stop having sex altogether, the reason is frequently
blocked anger. Short bursts of anger can clear the air and ignite pas-
sion because that anger is recognized and acknowledged. Long-term
anger, unacknowledged and unresolved, builds up and blocks sexual
expression. The sex problem won’t be resolved until the anger problem
is.
If you and your partner are not having sex:
138
• Acknowledge the problem. At midlife, if a man abstains from
sex for long periods of time, he will likely have trouble with
arousal when he does try to make love again. A woman may
also have difficulties with arousal and orgasm under the same
circumstances. Someone has to say, “We haven’t made love in
months (or years). There’s something wrong.”
• Make schedule adjustments so you can spend intimate time
together. A couple who aren’t making love need to open a dia-
logue about the issues surrounding their sexual shutdown. Often
they plan their lives carefully so they are too busy to talk in
anything other than brief updates. See hints in previous chapters
for opening intimate dialogues.
• Incorporate as many of the aforementioned ten steps for in-
creasing desire into your life as possible. Do what you can.
Holding hands while walking together could be the beginning
of a bridge back to each other.
• Consider counseling. You and your partner may both need a
little help to define and resolve the underlying emotional or re-
lationship issues causing the problem. That can often be accom-
plished in a surprisingly short time.
You can put the sex back in a sexless marriage, but the sooner you
begin, the better.
HOW TO GET IN THE MOOD FOR LOVE
SEX OVER 50
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charge, however, because it is understood between the players that
the game doesn’t go any further than the submissive desires.
The word “sadomasochism” is derived from combining “sadist,”
who enjoys inflicting pain and/or humiliation, and “masochist,” who
enjoys receiving pain and/or humiliation. People who take the beha-
vior to the extremes are a small minority. For them, the exchange of
144
pain has almost or entirely replaced sexual activity. They refer to S/M
as a “lifestyle,” because it does define how they live their lives. The
vast majority of people who dabble in S/M, however, use it as an oc-
casional form of erotic play to intensify arousal and orgasm, and they
are “switch” players, alternating the dominant and submissive roles.
If you want to play:
• Don’t underestimate the importance of costumes and props.
Certain items of clothing, types of fabric or other material, and
special accoutrements have S/M connotations. Visit a sex-toy
shop or browse a catalogue for ideas. Generally they include
tight-fitting leather or rubber garments, the color black, bustiers,
corsets, garter belts, stockings, very high heels on pumps or
boots, masks, nipple clamps, bondage gear, and spanking imple-
ments.
• Work from a script. You don’t have to write down the dialogue,
but you must have the plot worked out before beginning. Talk
about what you want to do in detail with your partner.
• Set limits and stick to them. A velvet-covered whip can sting.
So can words. Be clear about how far is too far to go, both
verbally and physically.
• Use a safe word. The submissive should be able to stop the
game at any time by saying the safe word. Again, don’t use “no.”
It’s too confusing.
• Remember that a little goes a long way. You may fantasize
giving or receiving a level of rough treatment that would be a
turnoff in real life.
• Be sure your partner is aroused before you administer pain,
and be sure she/he continues to be aroused by the action.
• Switch roles the next time you play.
SEX OVER 50
Be alert to your partner’s responses to the way you taste.
2. Smell. The sense of smell is obviously an integral part of sexual-
ity. Semen and vaginal secretions have a scent. The scent of semen
in particular can be affected by chronic heavy alcohol consumption,
smoking, poor eating habits. Many men and women also use personal
fragrance as a seductive tool. Hormonal changes in women can pro-
duce chemical changes in the body that impact the interaction of skin
and perfume. The scent worn for a lifetime may no longer carry the
.
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