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satisfied with weekly lovemaking, but David wanted more. More sex,
more caressing, kissing, cuddling, and afterplay, more affection, more
time spent alone with his wife. When he retired at age 55, he looked
forward to sharing long walks in the woods and on the beach, prepar-
ing gourmet meals together, making love in the hot tub. He had ro-
mantic plans. She, on the other hand, had a job she loved.
Seven years his junior, Gloria had taken a dozen years out of her
work life to be a full-time mother. At 48, she was finally coming into
her own professionally. She had friends of her own, new interests,
and less time for David than she’d ever had. Often she gently pushed
him away when he was being affectionate with her. When he sugges-
ted things they could do together, she countered with, “That would
be lovely, darling, but you don’t need me tagging along to enjoy
yourself.”
The waitress at the coffee shop where he sometimes had a late
breakfast alone was beginning to look good to him. He flirted with
her and wondered what it would be like to have an affair. Some
mornings he took the thought further. What would it be like to leave
Gloria and start over again with someone new, a woman more inter-
ested in him? But the waitress rebuffed him, and he felt dejected.
Predictably he took his frustration out on Gloria, the real target of
his resentment. He accused her of being “selfish, so absorbed in her
own life” that she didn’t have time for him anymore. That made her
angry, and she said, “You’re the selfish one. I arranged my life to suit
the needs of you and the boys for years. Now it’s my turn, and you’re
jealous. Nobody said you had to retire. You could find part-time or
consulting work. You could volunteer. Take up a hobby. You could
get a life!”
Her word stung. But after he stopped smarting, he realized she’d
scored some points. In a few weeks’ time, he’d begun laying the
groundwork for a part-time consulting career, signed up for a French
class, and joined a poker group. He still wanted more sex. How to
persuade Gloria?
David saw his wife as a woman in near perpetual motion. To seduce
her, he’d have to slow her down. “What could I do to make your life
easier today?” he asked her casually one morning as she was hurrying
to get dressed. Surprised, she was at a momentary loss for words and
finally suggested he could pick up her suits at the drycleaner. He did,
and she was grateful enough to hug and kiss him warmly that night.
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as a flower behind the ear, and other simple changes create visual
excitement.
4. Touch. The feel of a lover’s skin may seem too familiar to be
arousing, but that’s only because the couple have allowed their sense
to become dulled with familiarity. A woman’s skin may actually be
more sensitive to touch during perimenopause and after. And a man,
as noted earlier, becomes more capable of sensual, rather than purely
sexual, expression with age.
5. Sound. The sound of a lover’s voice may also seem too familiar
to be arousing. Again, that need not be true. Some midlife couples
have fallen into rigid communication patterns. They say the same
things to each other in the same tones of voice. Their voices no longer
show great animation or register seductive depths.
FIVE EXERCISES FOR REAWAKENING THE SENSES
AT MIDLIFE
1. The sensory surprise. Incorporate some unexpected sensory de-
lights into your lovemaking. If she loves roses, spray the room lightly
with rosewater and put fresh roses beside the bed in bud vases.
Sprinkle some loose petals on the bed and use one later to massage
her nipples or clitoris. Try to add a detail that will ignite each one of
the five senses. That’s not as hard as it seems. Soft music, candlelight,
and flowers are such effective romance aides because they appeal
directly to the senses.
2. Practice the technique of “touch focusing.” Close out everything
else and concentrate solely on what you are touching. First, try sitting
with bare backs, back to back, eyes closed. How does your lover’s
skin feel against yours? How does the feeling change when one
moves? Then feel the skin under your hands as you stroke his or her
body during lovemaking. Note how the texture of the skin changes
from one area to another, how varying the pressure makes touch a
different experience.
3. Add the technique of “touch expansion.” Introduce some unusual
materials into lovemaking. Fur, silk, feathers, velvet, leather, ice,
flower petals - all can be used to erotic effect on genitals and other
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