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- seemed like the real thing to me. When she pressured me to have
sex or explain why I didn’t want to have sex, we ended up in an ar-
gument.
“Maureen tried every seductive trick to get me interested again.
Finally she said, ‘I’m not ready to take a vow of celibacy. If you aren’t
interested in sex anymore, you have two choices. We can get a divorce
or we can stay married and I will take lovers, discreetly, of course.’ I
wrote her comments off to female histrionics.
“I didn’t believe she meant it until I saw her go into action at a
party one night. She had a younger man hanging all over her.
Watching them together, I saw her through his eyes. She is still a
beautiful woman who has kept herself in excellent shape and has a
charismatic personality. I saw the exchange of business cards, and I
had no doubt she meant to schedule an intimate lunch with him. It
was a blow to the solar plexus. I took her home and made passionate
love to her. For the next few weeks, we were very emotional together,
alternately fighting and making love and crying because we realized
how close we had come to losing each other.
“I feel like a man who walked away from a bad accident with only
a few scratches. Did I learn something? You bet. My wife is a fascin-
ating woman who had really grown into being her own person right
under my nose. I hadn’t been putting any energy into our relationship,
and now I am.”
Desire is the erotic urge preceding arousal. Low sexual desire is the
number-one sex problem in America today, especially among people
at midlife, and few of them will have the same eye-opening experience
or the same response to it that Harry had. Many men and women
don’t feel the urge to make love, they blame their low libido on fa-
tigue, stress, the demands of jobs, growing children and aging parents,
and lack of time for lovemaking. If one partner would like to make
love more often, she/he may stop initiating lovemaking after several
rejections. While there is no “normal” rate of lovemaking frequency,
a standard that must be met, for couples at any age, most people have
a “normal” rate of frequency for themselves. When they are feeling
good about themselves and connected to their partners, they typically
want to make love on average a certain number of times per week or
month. One partner’s loss of desire may be confusing, disappointing,
and hurtful to the other who has maintained the same, or an increased,
level of sexual interest.
AWhen the sex was over, he let go of her reluctantly. Gloria was
satisfied with weekly lovemaking, but David wanted more. More sex,
more caressing, kissing, cuddling, and afterplay, more affection, more
time spent alone with his wife. When he retired at age 55, he looked
forward to sharing long walks in the woods and on the beach, prepar-
ing gourmet meals together, making love in the hot tub. He had ro-
mantic plans. She, on the other hand, had a job she loved.
Seven years his junior, Gloria had taken a dozen years out of her
work life to be a full-time mother. At 48, she was finally coming into
her own professionally. She had friends of her own, new interests,
and less time for David than she’d ever had. Often she gently pushed
him away when he was being affectionate with her. When he sugges-
ted things they could do together, she countered with, “That would
be lovely, darling, but you don’t need me tagging along to enjoy
yourself.”
The waitress at the coffee shop where he sometimes had a late
breakfast alone was beginning to look good to him. He flirted with
her and wondered what it would be like to have an affair. Some
mornings he took the thought further. What would it be like to leave
Gloria and start over again with someone new, a woman more inter-
ested in him? But the waitress rebuffed him, and he felt dejected.
Predictably he took his frustration out on Gloria, the real target of
his resentment. He accused her of being “selfish, so absorbed in her
own life” that she didn’t have time for him anymore. That made her
angry, and she said, “You’re the selfish one. I arranged my life to suit
the needs of you and the boys for years. Now it’s my turn, and you’re
jealous. Nobody said you had to retire. You could find part-time or
consulting work. You could volunteer. Take up a hobby. You could
get a life!”
Her word stung. But after he stopped smarting, he realized she’d
scored some points. In a few weeks’ time, he’d begun laying the
groundwork for a part-time consulting career, signed up for a French
class, and joined a poker group. He still wanted more sex. How to
persuade Gloria?
David saw his wife as a woman in near perpetual motion. To seduce
her, he’d have to slow her down. “What could I do to make your life
easier today?” he asked her casually one morning as she was hurrying
to get dressed. Surprised, she was at a momentary loss for words and
finally suggested he could pick up her suits at the drycleaner. He did,
and she was grateful enough to hug and kiss him warmly that night.
The precedent was set. He, who had more time, handled the bigger
share of household chores, particularly running errands. Their evening
meals became more leisurely. One soft, late-spring evening, after en-
joying a dinner that he’d prepared, they took their coffee onto the
deck. The air smelled of lilac and freshly mown lawns. She inhaled
SEX OVER 50
loosely belted around her waist. He put his hands on her shoulders;
and she set down the jar of face cream she was holding in her hand.
“I think about this game every time I see you sitting in that chair
now.”
Wordlessly, she nodded her head. He had her complete attention
for a change.
“Don’t move,” he said gently, but firmly.
While she waited, heart beating fast, he took four silk ties from one
of the racks in his closet. Their eyes met in the mirror when he re-
.
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