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conflict-ridden. Passive but congenial, they would probably
consider themselves happy.
3. The convenience couple. They are similar to the devitalized
couple with one exception: The spark was never present in their
relationship. Their emphasis is not on the marriage, but on other
things, such as money and property, civic and social involve-
ments, family, friends, careers, and hobbies.
When the partners in these relationships are out of sync, they have
a much harder time connecting than other out-of-sync couples.
Health Problems
The effect of diabetes, high blood pressure, heart problems, and
other chronic illnesses on sexuality will be discussed at length in
Chapter 14. When one partner is suffering from a debilitating illness,
the other, no matter how sympathetic, is probably not as needful of
emotional comfort within the relationship. This particular out-of-sync
situation can be more difficult than some others.
Anti-Sex Myths
By age 60, a man isn’t deemed sexual in our society unless he’s
wealthy, well-preserved, and sporting a beautiful young woman on
his arm. A woman that age has to be Joan Collins or Lauren Bacall
to be considered a sexual being. The ideas of beauty and sexuality in
our society are not as sophisticated as they are in European societies,
where style, experience, and character hold their own with fresh skin
and tight bodies.
In America adult children are uncomfortable imagining their parents
as people who have sexual needs. They want Mom and Pop to be
stereotypical aging parents, soft pot-bellied grandparents. The job
description excludes sex appeal. An older couple can become seriously
out of sync if one accepts society’s sexual limits on aging and the
other doesn’t.
Retirement
Some couples now retire at 50. If they share interests and leisure
123
activities, they can have fun together and will probably find their sex
lives improving. When a man retires and his wife doesn’t, there may
be a power shift in the marriage, with both feeling differently about
his role and importance. Some men become depressed and anxious
after retirement, which can lead to impotence. In general, men and
women who were happily sexual throughout their lives understand
and accept their changing sexuality, are more imaginative in bed,
and can enjoy the satisfactions of age without being tormented by
the sexual ambitions of youth.
Various studies show sexual desire continuing in the majority of
men and women throughout their seventies and beyond. The psycho-
JOEL D. BLOCK, PH.D. WITH SUSAN CRAIN BAKOS
lack of passion in their lovemaking reflects that.
Acceptance doesn’t mean going along with everything the other
wants. You don’t have to make love whenever your partner does or
agree to participate in sexual activities you find unappealing. Say
“no” without stating or implying your lover is unattractive or not
desirable - or worse, “perverted” or “sex-obsessed.” (And accept “no”
without being angry, resentful, judgmental.) How partners confront
their sexual differences helps determine the strength of the erotic trust
bond and nourishes the emotional commitment they share.
The Four Steps to Building Erotic Trust
1. Make a trust zone. In addition to being a sensually inviting room,
the bedroom a couple share should be a safe emotional place, a
sanctuary from the storms outside. Many midlife couples have spoiled
the sanctuary by using the bedroom to settle their differences away
from the hearing of children. Agree not to balance the checkbook,
argue about the bills, criticize each other, air grievances, fight about
the children, or ambush one another with bad news in the bedroom
anymore. Couples can put their defenses down and share confidences,
as well as lovemaking, in the trust zone.
Less than a month after establishing their trust zone, Van and
Melissa, who hadn’t made love in several months, began reaching
.
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