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“Maureen tried every seductive trick to get me interested again.
Finally she said, ‘I’m not ready to take a vow of celibacy. If you aren’t
interested in sex anymore, you have two choices. We can get a divorce
or we can stay married and I will take lovers, discreetly, of course.’ I
wrote her comments off to female histrionics.
“I didn’t believe she meant it until I saw her go into action at a
party one night. She had a younger man hanging all over her.
Watching them together, I saw her through his eyes. She is still a
beautiful woman who has kept herself in excellent shape and has a
charismatic personality. I saw the exchange of business cards, and I
had no doubt she meant to schedule an intimate lunch with him. It
was a blow to the solar plexus. I took her home and made passionate
love to her. For the next few weeks, we were very emotional together,
alternately fighting and making love and crying because we realized
how close we had come to losing each other.
“I feel like a man who walked away from a bad accident with only
a few scratches. Did I learn something? You bet. My wife is a fascin-
ating woman who had really grown into being her own person right
under my nose. I hadn’t been putting any energy into our relationship,
and now I am.”
Desire is the erotic urge preceding arousal. Low sexual desire is the
number-one sex problem in America today, especially among people
at midlife, and few of them will have the same eye-opening experience
or the same response to it that Harry had. Many men and women
don’t feel the urge to make love, they blame their low libido on fa-
tigue, stress, the demands of jobs, growing children and aging parents,
and lack of time for lovemaking. If one partner would like to make
love more often, she/he may stop initiating lovemaking after several
rejections. While there is no “normal” rate of lovemaking frequency,
a standard that must be met, for couples at any age, most people have
a “normal” rate of frequency for themselves. When they are feeling
good about themselves and connected to their partners, they typically
want to make love on average a certain number of times per week or
month. One partner’s loss of desire may be confusing, disappointing,
and hurtful to the other who has maintained the same, or an increased,
level of sexual interest.
135
Frequency is a problem when:
• One partner feels continually frustrated by the other’s lack of
desire.
• Both partners have lost desire, feel disconnected from each
other, and are unhappy about having infrequent sex.
• Couples fight about how often or when to have sex.
Some people have naturally low sex drives. In their youth, they
were less interested in sex than other people their age, and at midlife,
they may have only occasional desire. Obviously this isn’t a problem
if they’re not in a relationship or married to someone with a similar
JOEL D. BLOCK, PH.D. WITH SUSAN CRAIN BAKOS
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and for themselves. If you and your lover have lost touch with your
sensuality, reawaken the five senses one at a time. Through this
reawakening the emotional connection between the two of you will
deepen - and “the sex” will be better too.
The five senses and their midlife status are:
1. Taste. The sense of taste serves a dual function in lovemaking,
helping the lover define what part of the body is being touched as
well as tasting it. You feel a partner’s genitals with your tongue when
you’re licking them, and, if you are a sensual person, you feel the
difference in the skin texture from one part of the labia to another,
from the head of the penis to the underside of the shaft. Some couples
become turned off to kissing, particularly French kissing, in midlife
because their partners have become less conscientious about brushing
teeth and freshening breath before lovemaking. Sometimes the med-
ications taken for minor health problems change taste or the ability
to taste. Overindulgence in food, alcohol, or chronic smoking may
also have changed the way one partner tastes or the other’s ability
to taste.
Be alert to your partner’s responses to the way you taste.
2. Smell. The sense of smell is obviously an integral part of sexual-
ity. Semen and vaginal secretions have a scent. The scent of semen
in particular can be affected by chronic heavy alcohol consumption,
smoking, poor eating habits. Many men and women also use personal
fragrance as a seductive tool. Hormonal changes in women can pro-
duce chemical changes in the body that impact the interaction of skin
and perfume. The scent worn for a lifetime may no longer carry the
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